I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
