why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
