Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
