Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
His nipple licking is glorious
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