do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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