the condom got lost in my hair
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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