I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
