a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
