was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You are the jesus of drinking
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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