cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
