my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
