New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
