I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I am available for nakedness
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
