I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
