My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
