Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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