there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
