I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
