I bet he comes in French.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
