and you said cock pushups were impossible
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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