Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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