Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
