he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize