Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
