Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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