At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
