My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
