dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
