I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
