I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
