the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Congratulations! We have a period
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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