Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize