It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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