you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
