She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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