she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
