"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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