i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
