We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
