Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I have grass duct taped all over my body
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
