Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
