another moral hangover. fuck.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
