dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize