I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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