I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
