Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
