do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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