Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
