In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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