that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
