Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The Olympian is in my bed
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