Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
