why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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