Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize