I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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