"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
