just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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