Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
