Porn is love you can see.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
