He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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