i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
