The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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